Entry tags:

awkward

Strip clubs and such
OMGGGGGG, it was so very, very awkward! I went to a strip club for the first time last night. No, I am not some pervy type who is on the prowl for man-flesh. It was my friend's stagette so we took her out for a night of debauchery, male strippers and alcohol to get her drunk off her ass. We started the night out at Milestones for some good food, some drinks and a few shots. Well, for me, I nixed the drinks and only went for a shot (broken down golf cart, FTW!) because I am not just poor, I am po as Oprah would say, due to still being effin' unemployed. After that, we headed to Brampton since in ALL OF THE TORONTO AREA, Brampton has the ONLY straight male strip club. The other male strip club is a gay male strip club whose clientele are old, pervy, desperate men. No thanks. As a strip club newbie, I was ignorant of many things so as a result, I am out $20 (on top of the cover charge and drink minimum). So if you too are a strip club newbie and you plan to visit one some day, this post may serve as a lesson.  

The place we went to was called Foxxes Den. Quoted from their website:

"This elegant and upscale establishment features an array of gorgeous male performers and entertainers suitable for the most exotic of tastes of today's women.

The comfortable surroundings include sophisticated yet fun atmoshpheire. FoxxesDen is the North American Premier Dance Club."

Yeah, right! Elegant and upscale, my ass. If this is what is considered upscale, I would hate to see what is considered not upscale by these standards. $10 cover charge and a $10 drink minimum per person (this is not the $20 I was referring to though). It is so very cheesy and a so very awkward experience. But more cheesy than anything. The strippers/performers/entertainers on the stage had these costumes they started out with, in true cliché fashion. There was a "jailbird" (or "convict"), "navy officer", "fireman", "monk" (or whatever he was trying to be with that hideous brown robe), "grim reaper" and some other thing I can't remember because the guy had started his show as we came in. There was so much showmanship that it took forever and a day to get to the damn stripping. I/we were like, "TAKE IT OFF, TAKE IT OFF". Not because we were particularly wanting to see the guy nekkid or that we thought he was hot, it was just because the dancing and prancing around was getting so tiresome and boring. I didn't pay $20 just to see some guy dance around like an idiot.

Once the guys got down to their undies/thong, things got really hilarious and crazy. Eventually, they would take it ALL off and then use a small towel to "cover up". All these ladies would go down to the stage area with $20s, I believe, to have some "special time" with the guy, throughout their act. He would go to each one and either gyrate on them, bump and grind, or do some weird acrobatic thing with them -- or do all three. All of which, of course, while stimulating sex. There were quite a few cougars who wanted some of the action, some who went on stage for every guy pretty much. There was this lady who was in her 60s or even 70s who was bumping and grinding like nobody's business on this one stripper, and parts of her body (i.e. granny arms) were jiggling all over the place. And I do not ever again want to witness old ladies doing the stuff that I saw them doing last night. EVER. This one pair of cougars sandwiched a stripper and my friend referred to that as a "geriatric sandwich" LOL.

The majority of the guys were mediocre looking. Most had nice bodies but in terms of overall sexyness, they were "meh". If the place had a Gerald Butler, Ryan Phillippe, David Beckham, Brad Pitt, hell, even a George Clooney type, I would be throwing my money and panties at them. Alas, they didn't really have any guys that were my cup of tea. As people on ohnotheydidnt would say, DO NOT WANT. The final act, which I think was supposed to be the "highlight" of the night, was a performance with a former Chip'n'Dales dancer. He performed as a navy officer to, get this, "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (at least in his beginning act). SO CHEESY! The girls were going wild... or maybe they just really wanted one of the roses he was giving out. I admit it, I did a double-take and thought, "not bad, not bad at all" especially in comparison to the previous strippers. He reminded me a bit of George Eads from CSI from where I was sitting, which was not really close to the stage at all (but rather, near the back on this little platform thing). I later confirmed that I was very mistaken when I got an upclose view of him. After the show, he was walking around with this 8x10 promotional shot of him in a fireman's uniform, soliciting "private time" from the ladies (he seemed to have quite a few takers). To the right is one of my "stealth shots" of the navy guy pre-pants-coming-off.


Some of the highlights of the night a.k.a. things that made me laugh or amused me:

• There are also the guys who walk around, giving "private time" with people -  for $20 a pop, of course. One of the guys was wearing a tank top, a tiny ass thong and socks and shoes, it looked so ridiculous! We called him the "no pants guy" because he looked like he was wearing no bottoms whatsoever. He also looked weirdly bulky like the type of guy who has a huge chest and thighs and you're not sure if it's muscle or fat but is bulky all around. I'm not even sure if he had many ladies request his services. Well, besides the cougars of course.
• They have this wall of photos of their performers, kind of like a wall of fame for male stripping. In one of the photos, there was a guy who was like a white-and-grey-haired, old version of Fabio. I was like, "I WANT THAT GUY!". Too bad he wasn't there :(
• When we were leaving and walking in the parking lot, this cougar comes up to us and yells "OMG THERE'S A COP OVER THERE AND HE'S NOT LETTING ANYONE INTO THEIR CAR!!!". Uh okay, we thought, we have a DD so what's the deal? Then as we near the car, this unmarked car turns on its headlights and literally drives 2 meters to sidle up beside us. He asks us who is the driver and when our designated driver goes to talk to him, he asks her for a breathalizer test. She passed, of course, but she said it made her so nervous. The cop was nice though, making small talk as he was getting the test ready. It's nice to see some cops around policing for drunk drivers. God only knows what would happen if that cougar had driven.
• Too many visuals of cougars bumping and grinding. Oh my poor retinas!

I mention cougars a lot but there were mostly younger females there, most of them seemed to also be there for a stagette.

What I learned:

• DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT! And whatever you do, don't open your legs!

See, this is how I lost $20 for such a stupid reason. This not-very-attractive guy came to our group and somehow decided to go to Janelle, our friend getting married. Since it was her night, we wanted her to get some of the action, as we stayed on the sidelines giggling like crazy while watching her being all uncomfortable with the guy. He was asking her to slap his ass and thrusting himself into her face, etc. One of our friends gave him $20 and then he went back for more with Janelle. She, stupidly, pointed to me even though I wanted no part in this AT ALL. And being a newbie to all this, I didn't know that the magic words were "I don't have any money" because I said, "no it's alright, really! It's her stagette!". He was like, "well the rest of you should have fun too" and then he went into between my legs (sounds dirtier than it was, but you know what I mean) and started thrusting himself into me. Grabbed my hand and made me touch him all over, which was very awkward because he was all sticky and stubbly from shaving his chest. Less than 20 seconds later, he asks me for his $20. I am like WTF I HAVE NO MONEY AND I NEVER SOLICITED THIS and if I were to do so, it would be with one of the hotter guys. So then he went after my friend who I had tried to deflect the attention to in order for him to LEAVE MY PERSONAL SPACE, and without my knowledge, she paid for me. That was $60 without any of us asking for his "services". My friend said I don't have to pay her back but I feel bad, especially because she treated me to a drink earlier, so I guess I have to pay her back. Grarghhhh. That $20 could have gone to something better. The OTHER guys going around doing the same thing at least had the courtesy to ask first and THEN go for it.

Also, on that note, bring Purell because if you do partake in the services offered by these gentlemen, you will feel very dirty afterwards. You will want some Purell, trust me.

All in all, it was an experience all right. And at least we have some stories come out of it. I'm going to post a picture (or maybe two) from last night on Facebook so if you want and are on my friends list, you can check that out.